Awareness

I'm thinking this morning about why it seems the people who are already the most aware are the ones who keep learning and growing and those who seem to "need it" the most are those who remain in the dark.

I hear stories all the time about other people who appear to be really lacking in areas like communication skills, compassion, empathy, respect, understanding. Rarely do we have conversations which involve ourselves and the lessons we can take from those others who seem to monopolize many of our waking hours (and sometimes even our restless sleeping hours).

In Good to Great, Jim Collins wrote about those others in the section about "First Who, Then What" when he said that leaders in organizations spend most of their time dealing with people who maybe shouldn't even be on the bus, instead of concentrating on first getting the people off the bus who shouldn't be there, then getting the right people on the bus and in the right seats. Only then should the bus driver decide where to go (not sure I agree with the order of that comment, but that's neither here nor there).

He said that often leaders are spending way more time on the people who probably shouldn't even be on the bus in the first place, thereby neglecting those champions who aren't really getting much positive attention.

Here's another way to explain that. The percentages may be different for different organizations, but let's assume there is 10% of an organization's employees who are wildly loyal and would do anything for the organization, 10% of an organization's employees who can never be pleased no matter what, and 80% of the employees who lie somewhere in the middle and can be swayed either way.

What happens most of the time is that the attention of the managers and supervisors goes to the bottom 10%, or those people who will never come around anyway. So where the attention goes, there goes the 80%. Instead, wouldn't it make more sense to spend more time rewarding and appreciating the behavior we want to attract the 80% in that direction?

This probably comes from our conditioning as little kids. We hear "NO" far more often than we hear "YES" growing up, so it would stand to reason that we spend more time trying to get others to agree with us than we do with those who already do.

Sometimes just coming to a new awareness is what it takes to get us to see things differently. And it seems those new "aha"s are most sustainable when we come to them on our own, instead of when we are pushed or coerced or forced to take them from others, especially others in authority.

So today, just notice something that frustrates or upsets you and pause. Take a deep breath and try to understand why you are upset. What is the message for you in that upset? If that something is actually someone, is there a chance for a different conversation? Might you ask a question instead of give a command? Maybe there's a way to use the three magic words in a conversation: "Help me understand."

Of course, the key is that you recognize the upset. We really do train people how to treat us by the way we show up. If people are giving you clues through their body language, that's probably the best information you can get, since 55% of communication is visual.

The only person you can change is you with the help of GOD. But first you have to be aware.

No Condemnation

Are you feeling guilty about something? Maybe something you’ve done in your marriage?

As a Christian, if you’ve repented and asked for forgiveness, then God promises to forgive you. Not only that, but He chooses to forget that sin even happened.

There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus
Romans 8:1 (NKJV)

Forget about your past and quit beating yourself up over it. The past can’t be changed. But by dwelling on the past, it will negatively affect your present and future.

Having repented and having your sins forgiven AND forgotten, there’s no reason to keep reminding God of it. He wants to help you do and be better in the here and now, on into the future.

So quit letting satan talk you into feeling guilty about your past. Tell him that God’s forgiven you and that you’re moving forward in your life through Christ. A life that’s free from guilt and condemnation. A life that you’re going to allow God to lead away from that sin and into His blessings.

Are Arrows Flying in Your Marriage?

Who sharpen their tongue like a sword, And bend their bows to shoot their arrows—bitter words.
Psalm 64:3 (NKJV)

Picture this. Carrying a bow and some arrows, you walk into a room full of people. You then start shooting arrows all over the room. Some of those arrows hit the wall. Some hit the furniture. But some hit the other people. You look over to see one of those arrows sticking out of the chest of your spouse. You cry out that you didn’t mean to. You were just shooting around and weren’t planning on hitting anyone. But you did. And now they’re badly hurt. That arrow is out there and you can’t bring it back.

Your words can be like those arrows in that they can be devastating. People are hurt by words that are thoughtlessly spoken as much as words that are said with the intent to harm. And like those arrows, you can’t take them back. They’re already out there. Those wounds can take a long time to heal. Many people are still hurting from words that were said years earlier.

And even worse, many are silently suffering from things said by their husband or wife.
Your mouth is NOT a weapon. So don’t use it as one.
Is your spouse walking around with an arrow sticking out of them? An arrow that YOU shot?
Whether you meant to or not, those words hurt.

But I say to you that for every idle word men may speak, they will give account of it in the day of judgment.
Matthew 12:36 (NKJV)

It’s said of a person who can come up with a quick remark to something someone else said that they are quick witted. In actuality, that would really be slow witted. They would be quick mouthed, but their mind hasn’t thought quickly enough about the pain they may cause if they shoot off their mouth. Many people are hurt while someone is trying to be smart or funny. Make sure your quick remarks aren’t tearing others down.

So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath
James 1:19 (NKJV)

Start taking time to think about what you are going to say to your spouse…and other people for that matter. Consider what negative affect your words may have on that person. Is what you are about to say something that you would want someone to say to you?

Remember you can’t take those arrows back.

Focus

In 2010, The Barna Group, a research company noted 6 major themes. In this release, the one that stood out to me as most concerning was this one.

Christians are becoming more ingrown and less outreach-oriented.

The opening sentence is the one that caught my attention the most.

Despite technological advances that make communications instant and far-reaching, Christians are becoming more spiritually isolated from non-Christians than was true a decade ago.

So, with Facebook, Twitter, websites, online worship, text messaging, email and other social media, we as Christians are not as connected to non-Christians as we were a decade ago. That should be alarming!

Wait a minute.

Churches and ministries have websites, Facebook pages, Twitter feeds, online worship, email newsletters, online polls and YouTube channels. Surely, with all these tools in use, we should be more connected right?

Right?

Well, maybe not.

We are out of focus.

While the story from Barna didn’t provide any details, I have a few guesses.

Yes, churches may have these tools, but it’s the way these tools are being used that is the culprit.
Specifically, I have seen Twitter and Facebook used in a “club” fashion. Unless you’re “in the know” the information being posted won’t make much sense. Additionally, there are many instances where there is very little information for the first time visitor/encounter.
Web pages are treated the same way. There is some amount of knowledge the site visitor must have to understand the information presented.

But, there are some churches that implement these tools VERY well. One of my favorites is Lifechurch.

Main website pages, facebook pages, etc are designed with the first time visitor/non-member in mind. There are many options to get more information and get connected.
Most ministries focus inward instead of outward.
I say the focus is in the wrong direction.
SO, how does your church/ministry fare in this area?

Knowledge v. Wisdom

1 Corinthians 1:20-21: Where is the wise man? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not come to know God, God was well-pleased through the foolishness of the message preached to save those who believe.

The other day I went with my daughter's god-Drae to pick her up from summer camp. Before we left the building the camp director stopped me and asked, "What can we do for your daughter to come here in the fall?" To be totally honest I was taken back because the school is one of the better montessori schools in the area. I was really excited at the potential advantages my daughter could receive by going to this school. Yes, she is two and Yes, she will be President one day. So we all know that getting our children into the best schools is imperative because knowledge is power.

As my wife and I discussed the pros and cons of sending our daughter to Montessori vs Christian schools God reminded us that the WISDOM through HIS WORD is far better than any knowledge that the world can provide. Now, I'm not saying that Christian schools are better than other schools what I am saying is the education of our children can be an all-consuming passion. We struggle to get them into the right schools, starting with preschool and continuing through graduate school. But we must keep in mind that a great education does not guarantee success in God's eyes. Many of today's schools, consider the message of the cross "foolish." To them it is a sign of weakness, disgrace, and low standing. As parents, we must counter that message with the truth that the world's knowledge does not save. The greatest secular education misses the point - only the cross can save.

Wisdom is available when we seek God. When we concentrate our efforts on teaching our children the value of an eternal perspective, we can worry a little less about the world's view of where wisdom can be found. Wisdom means so much more than just knowing a lot. It’s a principle that affects every aspect of our lives. The foundation of wisdom is to fear the Lord – to honor and respect God, to live in awe of his power, and to obey his Word. Faith in God should be the controlling principle for your understanding of the world, your attitudes, actions and your parenting.

Make asking for God’s wisdom in your parenting a regular part of your prayer life and watch what God will do!

A 180-Degree Shift

Most people's true aspirations are to BE something. When we're kids that means BE a fireman, or BE a rock star or BE an astronaut. We don't realize as kids, many times, that we already are BEING what we end up pursuing later: happy.

As we get older, instead of asking what we BE, we start identifying with what we DO, and begin to be judged, categorized, and standardized by the labeling process called "what we DO."
We start understanding that the way to judge success - ours and others - is to decide first that we must HAVE enough of something (usually this is time or money) so that we can DO what we want so then we can finally BE happy.

If only I had learned the reverse sooner: I can choose right now to BE happy, which will transfer into anything I DO which will reveal to me that I HAVE everything I could need or want.
So the traditional model is a continuum that requires the first to obtain or attain the second and third:

HAVE ---> DO ---> BE
and the reverse is:

BE ---> DO ---> HAVE

What will you BE today? What do you already HAVE?

Go Ahead, Blame Me...

I started this blog because there seemed to be plenty of places for bitter divorced dads, Christian dads, dads with autistic children, gay dads, one-armed dads, dads with irritable bowel, dads who screwed up their first family and then got a divorce and married a young fertile hottie to start a second family, and a heap load of generic parenting advice disguised as fatherhood tips. However, it felt like there was a gap in slice-of-life, straight up, no B.S. talk about what it’s really like to raise a kid from father’s point of view. And let’s face, dads just do and see things differently.

Life, Love & Locs will feature lessons in the least helpful and coherent of all ancient parenting and life tombs "The Book of Trial and Error" and move to “The Book of All Books- THE BIBLE”

Me, I’m an employed father raising a 2 year daughter with my beautiful partner of 5 years. Yep, we waited 3 years to have a kid. Some days it still feels like we didn’t wait long enough.

I sit right in the middle of the action in our small home. I’ve been changing diapers since day one. Same with feedings, bathing and doctors appointments. Every summer I’m doing the birthday circuit and every Saturday I take my daughter on an adventure. I like to start my day really early and, whenever possible, skip work and hang out with her the rest of the day.

Not only is this good for us it’s also good for our spouses. Nothing makes your partner happier than taking the kids out in the evening so she can decompress, read, watch a bit of TV, or just stare into space without interruption.

Needless to say you’ll never hear me say “oh, enjoy every minute of it because they grow up so fast”. You know who says that nonsense? Dad’s that come home from work, spend fifteen minutes with their kids then watch television till bedtime while mom feeds the kids, washes the dishes and puts the children to bed. Trust me, if you’re fully involved in all aspects of raising your child, it doesn’t go by fast. Some days it’s excruciatingly long and repetitious. The upside is that when it’s good it’s amazing. But you gotta be there when it happens. You can’t just show up at your convenience and expect all the good parts to happen when you’re present. You gotta eat your veggies if you want dessert.

Now get off your butt and get going. Your kid’s waiting for you!

Thanks,

Go Ahead, Blame Me A Real Dad